Late Night Snark: North, South, West & East of the Border Somewhat

"President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or, as Fox News reported it: Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Other than George Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan, no president in modern history has changed deportation policy through executive action. Except all of them."
---Jon Stewart
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"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool."
---Bill Maher
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"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China."
---Jimmy Fallon
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Clip of Rep. Darrell Issa on Fox: Very clearly, [Obama] made a crisis [via Fast & Furious] and they're using this crisis to somehow take away or limit people's Second Amendment rights.
Stephen Colbert: Yes! Very clearly, Obama started this gun-tracking program in 2006 when he hypnotized George Bush, then he secretly ordered Attorney General Holder to order the Justice Department to order the ATF to order gun shops to sell guns to Mexican drug cartels and then lose track of them, thereby panicking Americans to gin up support for the draconian gun-control measures that Obama has never introduced!
---The Colbert Report

And this from two years ago in Entertainment Weekly by a budding Maine scribe:

I read a blog post about this situation where the writer called BP "half-assed." That's simply not true. BP has a whole ass; it's just that one cheek is smart and the other one is stupid. The smart cheek knew how to drill nearly a mile deep to get the oil, but the dumb cheek can't seem to fix what went wrong. Jekyll-and-Hyde buttocks, if you see what I mean.
---Stephen King